I DON'T WANNA BE THE BLAME

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

Every day that passed made Denny miss Cape Cod even more. New York was flashy and nice and free for him and Annie, but despite its size, New York was too crowded. It was too small, even if there had been half the amount of space in their apartment back in Cape Cod. But Denny felt that the difference was that, back in Massachusetts it had just been him and Annie; here in New York it was everyone else. Sure it was nice having Boss and Abby around, and even Levi because he was the new drummer – they needed him and honestly he didn’t bother anyone except Evan, and even she didn’t seem to mind it too much. But everyone else that was involved – the producer, the label staff, the fans, the agents – seemed to crowed around them and make the world seem too small for all of them to be in the same place at the same time. Once or twice, maybe three times a week, sure – Denny could handle that. He wasn’t so sure about Annie, but he would make sure she would stay happy, which would be easier if they didn’t constantly have to be around other people.

Maybe staying at home, turning down the label deal would have been a better idea. Not financially, but emotionally, mentally, physically. The pros of going home outweighed the cons by a landslide. They could be alone, secluded from the world, just together because to both Denny and Annie, each other was what mattered most. It wasn’t the money, wasn’t the job, wasn’t the dog or the cat (though those were things that they loved, too); it was just Annie and Denny. They’d tried (although, not really) to have kids before, but that hadn’t worked out. They could try again if the music and the prospect of touring wasn’t in their way. They could be at home with Leo running around, causing havoc because he was still just a puppy. They were lucky, in their situation, that Donna and Denny were still on good terms; she’d agreed to take time out of her daily routine to go to the apartment and take care of Leo and Beast, and from the calls Denny had been getting, he could tell she loved the both of their pets. That was nice, but it wasn’t the same as actually being there with Leo and Beast. Denny missed them almost as much as he missed his time with Annie, without anyone else around.

And one of the biggest offenders of cutting into the time he had with Annie (although wording things in that manner made it sound like Annie had a set expiration date, when she didn’t) happened to be at work that day. It was just a normal day – well, as normal as any recent day they’d gone through – and Denny guessed that meant that it was normal for Cheyenne to be at work. It just wasn’t necessarily convenient. Denny didn’t know the girl well, but he knew her on the level that he could predict her moves before she even made them. She would get up from her desk or wherever she worked, find some fake excuse to be in the room with Denny and shamelessly flirt with him, even if everyone was still in the room. Even if Annie was still in the room. She would climb all over Denny, hold onto him even if he pushed and pulled away. He’d find reasons to be near Annie; not to hide behind her and wait for her temper to get the best of her, but just to make it clear to Cheyenne that he wasn’t interested – even those signs, ones that made everything extremely clear, weren’t ones that Cheyenne picked up. Somehow, her warped, twisted mind constantly told her that Denny was into her, even if she knew he and Annie were already married and would stay that way for as long as they could help it.

Thankfully, she hadn’t really moved yet. Denny knew what would happen, but not when, and so far nothing had gone down. He hadn’t even seen Cheyenne so far this morning, which was good. He and Annie showed up to the studio on time, walked in before Levi and Evan, and sat down. Apparently it was Boss’s turn to lay down some bass tracks, which was good news for Denny. He wouldn’t have to stay late; in fact, he and Annie could leave in a few hours, after everything was sailing smoothly for the day. All Denny really had to come in for today was to make sure the tracks sounded right, but really anyone could do that. He didn’t complain though; he and Annie needed the money that they were making off of this….career path. Even if the suffered through only a few albums and a few tours, as long as they saved their money they could go home and be there forever. This band, Drawing Blanks, wasn’t necessarily about the fans. Denny would admit, if asked specifically, that he was in it for the money, but not so that he could be rich and powerful. He wanted the money because he wanted to take care of Annie – some people would understand that, right? All he could do was hope so, honestly.

And that was how today was going to go. Denny was going to stick around for the money and hope that Cheyenne would keep her space and hands to herself. Annie was going to stick with him and hang out with Abby, or at least that’s what Denny expected. He was totally okay with it; while Annie was his best friend, he was well aware that Abby was her best friend (at least on a same gender basis). It wasn’t as hard to admit that he was willing to share her with Abby than it was to admit the same thing to anyone else, not that it was anyone else’s business. Still, at least Annie was there. The time she’d spent at the hotel, sick beyond anything Denny had ever seen of her, he’d felt attacked – and not just by Cheyenne. Everyone had expected something out of him, and without Annie he felt like he just couldn’t get everything for everyone done. But now that she was back with him, he felt a little better. He was still on edge, but at least she was there to take some of the edge off of his mind. It made him feel better, and as he watched Boss lay down some tracks, he held one arm around Anne and leaned over on the small couch in the room to kiss the side of her face, mostly just because he could.

There was a quick knock on the door. The producer waived a hand at Boss and instantly the bass went down. After hitting a few buttons, the producer stood up and sighed, heading towards the door. Denny’s heart skipped a beat – he was dreading a confrontation in front of Annie. It was okay if he was on edge; Denny could handle that. It wasn’t okay if Annie was, because then it took lots of talking out of and time alone (which they didn’t seem to have a lot of right now) for Denny to get her to feel better. These days, he was finding it hard to find the right motivation, the right things to say to talk her out of those moods. Somehow he still managed it, but not easily. So as the door opened and that face was shown, Denny tightened up. He didn’t shrink away from Annie – actually, he moved a bit closer, trying to show his place in the room. But he knew Cheyenne enough to know that she would march right over to him, sit on the side that Annie wasn’t on (here’s when he wished that Annie was all-encompassing in a physical sense), and snuggle up to him or something. It would disturb Annie, he knew, and it would make the day much worse than it needed to be, but there wasn’t much stopping Cheyenne unless he physically hurt her, and Denny had been raised better than hitting a woman. But if worst came to worst, Denny would do what he had to. For now, he just turned to Annie and looked away from Cheyenne. “I love you,” he said, half to remind himself that she was there and half to remind Annie that he wasn’t going to give in to Cheyenne’s games.


1423 words -- cora/annie <3 -- lyrics to dashboard confessional -- um white shirt, gray hoodie, jeans -- too lazy to make a new image but here. :)

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

Annie missed Cape Cod more than she had ever thought she would. She had never thought she would ever get so attached to one place. Constantly, she had been moving from place to place to place, but somehow that small cape had stuck with her. Annie missed their apartment and she missed her dog and she missed her cat. She hated it here, if she was to be honest with you. Nothing felt right here. Annie didn’t know if it was just her or the scenery, but she believed to be losing a lot of what she used to have. Twenty one was such a young age to feel like you were done with almost everything. It was like there were things piling on her every day of her life that she couldn’t handle anymore. Was she weak or was everyone else just so much stronger? Annie had been strong once. Why did she dwell on that so much, though? What she once was? Annie wondered why she did a lot of things. It didn’t always make sense to her, why she did these things, why she felt these ways. Weighed down; what was so heavy? Tired; what was so exhausting? Annie didn’t have the answers for that, and it unsettled her.

Today was a day where she felt disrupted. Something was going weird inside her and Annie didn’t know what to do about it. She relaxed against Denny’s side, and he kissed her face. She closed her eyes and lay her head in the crook of his neck, feeling his pulse against her forehead. Annie took a breath. Being in the studio seemed exhausting to her. She didn’t necessarily get it, but that is how it felt to her. Being here sucked all the energy out of her, all of her fight that was left. Annie didn’t like the idea of wasting away. It seemed an absolutely horrible thing, but she felt like that. Little pieces of herself chipped off here and there. She was tired. Twenty one and completely exhausted. The stupidity of it alarmed her. Not enough to keep her from dozing off in that position, curled up against Denny. Annie didn’t hear the door open, didn’t see the secretary walk in, and didn’t hear Denny say he loved her. She was tired, and had to catch up on her missed sleep from when she was sick anyway. She’d tried her hardest to starve it off that week - fever dreams scared her.

So Annie napped like that for a while, actually. It was crazy that she fell asleep so easily and with all of those people around, but with the way the room was set up and even as crowded as it was, Annie found it kind of comforting. Probably because Denny was there, with his arm around her. It made her feel okay, safe. For once, she was completely content. In the moment before she fell asleep, Annie wasn’t worrying about anything. She was quiet and happy, and there were no ideas working their way through her head. Just simple, resting her head there and just... nothing and no one else was touching her besides Denny. In that moment, it was so easy for her to believe in everything he said. He would stay, and she didn’t need to worry. Normally she’d be stuck between believing and not; she wanted to but she was too insecure. Then... there wasn’t any of that. Just a calmness that Annie had been looking for for a while, just security and contentedness. Her hand slipped onto his knee when she was asleep like that, and she just kept her head pressed against him. No one in the room probably even noticed she’d nodded off but Denny. At this point the two were just background static; they always had their own thing going on, and put each other fist over being team players. Sometimes it could almost be too obvious how little they (or really just Annie) cared about the band. But she just didn’t care. She cared about this; being with Denver and feeling okay, and it felt like it was just them. That was what Annie missed the most about Cape Cod; in New York when they were this close sometimes Annie still felt like she was a million miles away from him.

Annie woke up to Abby in her face. She blinked and shrunk back into Denny, feeling his chest against her back. She just blinked again, not really understanding all the things Abby was saying until finally she pulled her up out of the couch and out of the room. Apparently she had needed some help with carrying things. Annie’s head was fuzzy from sleeping and so she didn’t even hear her own words. She laughed when Abby told her things and helped put stuff in boxes but it was almost a little too obvious she wasn’t there. Her head was far away, and Annie just wanted to pull Denny into their bed at their apartment. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could stomach New York. Her insecurities seemed three times as big here. Maybe it was true that everything was bigger in the city. But not Annie; sure, some parts of her felt bigger but Annie felt tinier and tinier as each day went by, like she was wasting away (and she was but that was her own little secret that no one needed to know about.) She figured she could make it a bit longer, but she didn’t know just how long that could be.

Annie discovered how long that exactly was when she followed Abby back into the studio. She was still smiling and laughing about some sarcastic quip the blonde had thrown her way when she turned to look at Denny. Her face fell rather quickly after that, and the box slid from Annie’s hands. Part of her hoped that within the cardboard there was nothing breakable. But it was only a very small, small part because Annie felt a bigger part of herself breaking when she saw a slightly familiar girl trying to crawl all over Denny. She was so pretty, and Annie’s throat tightened up. Without thinking, she turned and pushed her way through the door she had just walked through. Annie’s shoes clacked on the tiles as she just moved down these huge hall ways. Abby was picking all her clothes these days so that the girl who had never really understood or had a mind for fashion didn’t look like that at all. That fact was completely irrelevant to the moment though. Annie had just seen the secretary for the label all over her husband. And granted, Denver probably wasn’t too happy about that, but Annie hardly had time to look at him before she was leaving, just thinking about the situation overall.

She felt so small. Annie felt so big and so small and so bad about everything. That’s what she had been worrying about ever since they stepped foot in this fucking town; how long would it take until some beautiful girl with determination would undermine everything Annie had worked for? The culmination of her actual living was the marriage. She wasn’t strong enough to be there, and she was falling apart these days. It only added together and it took everything for her to keep walking, and Annie didn’t even know where she was going. Eventually she ended up in the bathroom and she locked the door quickly and nearly sunk to the floor. She was feeling the absolute worst idea of weak in the knees. Why hadn’t she just punched that girl? Surely that had been what everyone was expecting of her, but Annie had just left. New York sucked that all out of her. Every bit of motivation Annie had once had to be offensive was gone. She was hardly even defensive anymore. She was taking hits openly, letting them hit her when she was at her weakest. Annie hardly had any walls left. She felt weak and... crumbling. That’s all she seemed to be was crumbling.

It all happened quickly. After locking the door she had stood and her hands were shaking. Annie’s knee-jerk instinct kicked in then, and she did what she always did when she wasn’t feeling good enough. Kneeling, there went the breakfast Denny had so delicately persuaded her to eat. Annie tried the whole process again but she just gagged because there was nothing left. And then she flushed the toilet... and there was nothing left. She had nothing to do. She wasn’t even crying, but that made her angrier. She felt stuffed up, with so many emotions suck inside her but nothing was falling out. She just sat there and felt empty but fool. She buried her head in her hands. Annie was so sick of herself. She fell apart on a daily basis. She was nothing, and now it was blowing up in her face. She didn’t want to stand up and she didn’t want to leave. All Annie had in the entire world was her love for Denny. That was her only redeeming quality. That was her only reason to be here. And now it was like someone wanted to take that from her and leave her with less than nothing.

1563 words - uh she's wearing something sierra kusterbeck-y with the tights and stylish boots n shit - lyrics to rest in the bed by laura marling - awasdlkajsdlkjwoiwjeflsdkfsdf poor girl

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

Why did she have to fall asleep? The day would have been much simpler if Annie had stayed awake, curled up against Denny, always with her eyes and ears open. The world might have kept spinning in the right direction. The sun might have kept shinning just as bright as it had before they’d gone into the studio for the day. But no – she had to fall asleep. Denny didn’t exactly blame her; she’d gone through hell when she was sick, and so he let her sleep. That was a mistake, honestly, but if he hadn’t let her sleep, he would have had to find good excuse to keep her up. Honestly, the whole situation was just a losing battle for him. If he let her sleep, what had happened would happen again (speaking on terms of if Denny could time travel back about an hour or so). If he had kept her up, she would be irritable and (given that he might not have been able to stop the situation even if he could go back in time), the outcome would have been worse. But Denny still wanted to know why she had fallen asleep, completely just on selfish terms. She’d left him for that time she’d been unconscious, but in reality she hadn’t gone anywhere, and Denny had to remind himself that a few times.

As soon as Annie was out, Cheyenne was making moves. She sat as close to Denny as she could, but he just turned and held Annie closer to him. Cheyenne started tracing patterns on Denny’s arm and back, but he shivered and that stopped quickly. He couldn’t see her face, but he could imagine a triumphant smirk across it, just out of getting a reaction out of Denny. It seemed like only minutes after that that Abby was close enough to Annie’s face that they might as well have been kissing (which was a weird thought for Den to think, but Abby was the one making the space smaller between her and Annie); Annie woke up then and followed Abby out of the room to help with whatever shit Abby had to do. Denny wanted to grab onto her wrist and beg her to stay, but he couldn’t be that selfish. That wasn’t how Denny worked. So he let her go. He watched her go, and as soon as she was definitely out of ear shot, Cheyenne was touching him. She just had a hand on his lap at first, something he easily moved. Denny scooted over into Annie’s spot on the couch, but Cheyenne followed. He gave her a face, then looked away.

When Denny looked back, he realized he’d only done so because now she was holding his hand. He pulled his hand out of hers and gave her another face. “You know I’m married, right? I mean we’ve gone over this a million times, Cheyenne.” Denny refused to give the girl a pet name; she wasn’t his pet and she didn’t have any chance of even being that much to him. Cheyenne just shrugged though, moving even closer to Denny. He felt uncomfortable, sticky and gross, and he looked away from her again. Cheyenne didn’t like that though, apparently. She reached over and put a hand on his face, pulling it towards her without any hesitation from Denny because she’d taken him by surprise. He nearly smacked her arm off of his face – he didn’t care who was watching or how big of a deal he was making; he did not want this girl all over him. Cheyenne thought it was suiting to lean closer and, in a tone that suggested seduction but wasn’t working for Denny, said, “Marriages can be taken care of. They’re only binding until that little piece of paper is signed.”

With another face, Denny attempted to stand up. Cheyenne, apparently, had other plans. She grabbed hard onto his wrist and pulled him back to the couch, forcing herself across him with one leg on either side. Oh no. That wasn’t allowed – only Annie could treat Denny this way and get away with it. As irony would have it, that was when Annie decided to come back into the room. Maybe she hadn’t decided that, but it happened then, and Denny stopped breathing. Her box dropped and she walked away, and without being surprised or puzzled, Denny pushed Cheyenne hard enough to have her land on her ass before he was up. He couldn’t force himself to run, though his legs itched to do so on Annie’s trail. He just walked, slowly at first, but once he was out of the studio and he realized he’d lost Annie, he picked up speed. He listened closely, using his sensitive hearing to his advantage (it was something that ran in his family). He heard her footsteps, but he was too far behind her before he heard a door open and close, clearing out the sound of where Annie was. He wished he was a bat, with specialized Annie Sonar so that he could send out sound waves that only hit Annie but would bounce back and tell him where his wife was.

For now, he sighed and turned a corner, finding himself in front of the restrooms. Suddenly, Denny was seriously scared. His hearing was attuned to acute little sounds, but his mind was closed off to all of them. His thoughts were all centered around what was going on in that bathroom – he knew before he even opened the door. He didn’t have to hear it; he could feel it. It made him wonder how long it had been going on – since they’d first gotten to New York? Since the F-Topic that neither of them thought about? When had Annie started resorting to the bulimia again? Denny knew it was partly his fault, at least on the bingeing end of the deal, but the purging was all Annie. But was it really his fault? He just wanted Annie to be healthy so that she could be able to live a long life with him, so he could prove to her that no matter what, he was going to be with her forever. She was his forever – why would some girl from the label sway that confidence? Why did Annie believe Denny would ever be into Cheyenne. Well, there was only one way to find out.

Denny pushed the door to the bathroom open, regardless of the fact that it was the ladies’ room. His feet scrapped on the floor, creating an echo throughout the room. Hopefully, Annie would just think he was another woman for the moment. He checked the level he could see and realized no one else was in the room, but when he crouched down just to make sure, all he saw were Annie’s shoes. He stood up and sighed, feeling tears coming on because the whole weight of the emotional rollercoaster he was about to go on hit him prematurely. With a crack in his voice, Denny called out, “Annie?” He felt horrible all of the sudden, but he had every right to – he should feel like the asshole of the situation. He walked over to her stall and leaned against the post there, covering his eyes and sniffling because, all of the sudden, his nose was runny. His eyes stung a bit and his throat was starting to close. He was going to cry, especially if Annie didn’t respond. “Annie I’m so sorry. She- Che- she just. God, this is so fucked up,” he said, looking up and rolling his eyes at himself. He felt no self pity – he just wanted Annie to come and wrap her arms around him and cry because it would mean that she understood he hadn’t wanted her to see that, that he was in no way attracted to Cheyenne. He just couldn’t think of the right words to say that would let her know that.



1329 words -- cora/annie <3 -- lyrics to dashboard confessional -- um white shirt, gray hoodie, jeans -- god i think i wrote this in all of 20 minutes including the break i took

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

Sitting on the linoleum, Annie looked at her hands. She had tucked her legs underneath her so she was just sitting on the floor. She just... looked at her hands. Annie looked at the creases in some parts, the dips and valleys that dug into her hands. Deep canyons of skin. Annie didn’t know why she did everything wrong. It wasn’t even that, really. It just felt like things were never right. One small action would unleash a chain of events that always just ended up hurting her, no matter what happened. Annie did believe in karma, she supposed, but what had she done to deserve all of this? Or was she really just crazy? Were these all just small things that dug deep into her head and ended up being far more worse than they were? Was she overreacting? Probably. She didn’t even have a reason for this. She wasn’t mad at Denny. She forgave him the moment she saw him (even with Cheyenne in his lap), not a second less. How could it possibly be his fault? Annie would also hope he could be smarter with hiding something than that. There was a weird miscommunication in Annie’s mind between her different beliefs. It’s what made it difficult to think how she could believe so strongly in Denny when he said he wouldn’t leave her, but be so weak in believing that at the same time. The reason for that was just self-perception.

She heard him walk in, and her heart felt too heavy. She buried her head in her hands again, wishing with practically every atom in her body that she could cry. That’s all Annie wanted in that moment. She felt overrun with all of these emotions that she couldn’t put names to. Annie knew, on some level, that crying would help everything. It would be the thing to get rid of all of these horrible, chaotic feelings inside her, the kind of feelings that fought with each other to make her feel even worse. But Annie couldn’t cry, right then. It was so unattainable to her. With the way his voice broke when he said her name, Annie could tell Denny was going to cry. She was supremely jealous of him for it. Annie wanted to be able to break down. She wanted to have Denny on the same side of the door as herself, and she wanted his hands to brush through her hair and his incessant promises that everything was okay. She wanted to be able to hold onto him and cry, like she had for so long. What was there to cry about, Annie wasn’t sure. But she needed it out of her body, she needed tears to soak her skin and heavy breathing to kickstart her heart.

“Annie I’m so sorry. She- Che- she just. God, this is so fucked up,” Annie’s lip trembled. It really wasn’t that fucked up. Just an accident. It wasn’t Denny’s fault at all and she shouldn’t be acting like it was. He didn’t deserve that. Denver was a good person in Annie’s eyes, and he was definitely a very good husband, especially for her. He did the little things to make her feel better. Annie was the fucked up one. Annie was the one with problems, the one who overreacted, the one who always did things wrong. Annie was the one who felt anchored down with this overwhelming thing. It was something she didn’t have a name for, but it dragged her down to the bottom of her life. It made her feel stuck in mud or something with no way to pick her legs up high enough. She was drowning in self loathing and just a depression that she didn’t even understand. She wished things could be easy for her, for them, but they weren’t. Annie was the one with issues. Annie was the one who sometimes felt like she just wanted to sleep and never wake up. She did feel as if she had an expiration date, something close. She wasn’t going to live forever, and it wasn’t even upsetting to her. Every day, Annie felt her body dying around her.

She pulled her hands from her face and moved so her back was against the stall wall. She tilted her head back and rested it against the thin wall. She didn’t like not being able to see or touch Denny, but for some sick reason she just felt the need to torture them both and not open the flimsy door. Annie closed her eyes and sat in the silence for a little bit. Why was she being so mean in this way? Hadn’t she just thought about how it wasn’t his fault? Denny didn’t do anything wrong. But she was keeping the door and her mouth shut. Annie pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, pulling herself into a tight ball. ”What’s wrong with me?” she mumbled quietly, and it was a real question, and actual inquisition she had. What was wrong with her? Everything, everything. But Annie didn’t want to think that. There had to be one thing that made everything so wrong, one thing that made her this way. It had to be something small that she could change... right? That was her only hope at this point. ”I’m only twenty-one and I already feel like I want to die...” she said quietly.

911 words - uh she's wearing something sierra kusterbeck-y with the tights and stylish boots n shit - lyrics to rest in the bed by laura marling - idk

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

When Denny had come to New York, he had wished for a new beginning. The whole mess with the last almost-baby had screwed up his family to the point where he just needed a new setting to fix everything. But from the first day on, that had proved to be something he hadn’t been able to do. Recreation was possible, but not in the manner that Denny wanted – that he and Annie needed. He actually had to focus on not changing anything here; he had to keep things stable and stoic because anything changing would screw up their relationship even more. Actually, that was the wrong way to put it. Their relationship wasn’t screwed up, because if it was, they wouldn’t be married. It was their personalities. Annie spent so much time blaming herself, making herself sound like a monster or something, but Denny wasn’t any better off on a mental basis. He was well aware of that second personality, just now hot to control it. He was irritable and frequently lost interest in the people around him – except for his friends, of course, because outside of them Denny didn’t really have anyone. He was constantly exhausted because of the need to reassure Annie of his faith, of how he felt, but he’d rather be exhausted because of that rather than any other excuse.

And then there was this. Maybe this was why he thought their relationship was unstable. It seemed like people kept trying to invade their space and turn this marriage into something it wasn’t. There’d been that redhead back at the club in Cape Cod, but Denny would insist that he hardly remembered her or the things she said, just that she didn’t mean a thing. There was that guy that Denny had run into outside of the jewelry store, but the same thing went for him. Then there was Cheyenne, and she was so recent that the memories burned into his mind. It was even hard for him to think of her that fondly, because the only thoughts Denny had about Cheyenne were thoughts that held a bit of hostility and plenty of unwanted feelings. She’d just come into his life with the very intention of taking him away from Annie, and to be honest Denny didn’t believe she wanted him for more than one naked sitting. He couldn’t say that he knew her ‘kind’, but it was obvious what she was after, and he felt that he’d made it obvious that he wasn’t given it to her. She was going to do things that Denny had never thought of to get him, and he knew that, though he hoped that his push onto the floor would change her mind. However, Cheyenne seemed to be just as determined as Denny was.

It all led to this. The bathroom. Annie behind the door, Denny in front of it, the knowledge of what had just happened on Annie’s side of the door haunting him from his side. He just leaned against the door more and slid down until his feet were reaching out in front of him and his head was so close to his knees that he could smell his jeans. His throat felt tight and his head felt heavy and he knew that crying was inevitable at this point. For someone that had to stay so strong, he cried an awful lot; for someone that had be seem stable, Denny was as inconsistent as the waves on the beach that he missed so much. For someone that just wanted to be alone with his wife, he felt more alone with just himself, completely isolated from everyone else. And for someone that just wanted to get in, he felt perpetually locked out (literally at the moment, considering Annie had locked the door). All he wanted to do in that moment was march back into the studio, demand that he and Annie be taken out of the contract between the band and the label, book a flight home, and go back to their small apartment with their pets and their piece of mind. It didn’t seem fair to him that just by making a strategic career move, all of that was taken away from them. Annie was losing her sanity at a pace faster than Denny could pick up the pieces and Denny was the one taking the fall for it all. He wouldn’t mind so much if all of this extra shit wasn’t piled on the top. If Cheyenne didn’t exist, if the miscarriages hadn’t happened – if it were just Annie and Denny again, Denny wouldn’t mind picking up pieces of whatever had broken between the two of them.

He’d argue that nothing was broken, except that her words totally contradicted that. Maybe nothing that was separate them had happened, but something had broken and it needed to be fixed – but Denny couldn’t even bring out his tool box until he knew what it was that needed his help. The silence in the room and the way that Annie was speaking, and most of all her words in particular, it all pierced Denny right in the middle of his heart; the blade that was there twisted and caused him physical pain. He didn’t make a sound except another sniffle, but by now there were tears slowly streaming down his face. He pulled his legs towards him but kept them criss-cross like he was in kindergarten. He brought his hands up to his face and held his eyes against his palms. Was it fair that he was the only one that was crying? Was it weird that he could tell that even if he couldn’t see Annie? He shook his head in silent denial of his own questions and kept as still as he could. When he looked up, and his hands fell from his eyes, the light in the room was so bright that he had to blink a few times before he could see again – and even then he wasn’t seeing clearly. The water from his tears blurred his vision, so he just looked into his palms again.

He didn’t know what to say. What did he say to someone, especially Annie, his wife, when she told him she felt like dying? How did he answer her question? He’d tried telling her that nothing was wrong with her, that he was there and he was going to make her feel normal and good. For the most part, he felt like he’d done a good job at that, but then people had to come into their lives and screw everything up. Denny silently cursed Cheyenne. He cursed that douche bag that had threatened Denny with Annie’s past before Christmas. He cursed that girl from the club and he cursed his dad; all people that hadn’t believed in this marriage, and all people that Denny believed were the cause of all of this insecurity. He let the thought that maybe this marriage was the cause of their problems, but just as quickly he pushed it out of his mind. No, there was absolutely no way Denny was going to blame their matrimony. It wasn’t their fault that no one else believed in the love they had, and as far as he was concerned, no one else needed to. “God damn,” he said quietly. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Annie. I may be blind for saying that, but there is nothing….wrong…with you.” But how did he back that up? How did he prove to her that he didn’t see anything wrong with her? She had insecurities, and sure they were more extreme than the norm, but they were still a part of the human condition.

Between tears, Denny had the chance to breathe. It hurt because of his throat, but he pulled through because he had to. Ceasing breath wasn’t an option; he had to be alive for Annie. And he couldn’t give himself another reason to blame himself, not now. He had to blame Cheyenne for this, but still that part of him that had attached itself somewhere along the way found ways for this to be his fault. He’d talked Annie into coming to New York for this record deal. He’d come into the studio when she was sick. He hadn’t fought off Cheyenne hard enough. He hadn’t gone with Abby and Annie, just as a polite husband to see if either woman needed help. He’d stayed behind, almost luring Cheyenne into his lap. But maybe that was blaming himself to too much of an extreme. Denny just wiped his eyes and sat up against the door, trying to look anywhere but at the lights. “Don’t…. Just don’t say that. It hurts to much to think about.” He couldn’t think about the ways Annie would torture herself until she stopped breathing; it made him think of the ways he would do the same thing to himself. And he was right – it hurt too much to think about any of that. He couldn’t stand thinking that one day, there wouldn’t be Annie to be with, or that one day he would be gone and Annie would be alone.


1530 words -- cora/annie <3 -- lyrics to dashboard confessional -- um white shirt, gray hoodie, jeans -- i told you denny tears

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

Then why am I like this? she wanted to say. If nothing was wrong with her, then why did she feel like this all the time? Why did she make things so hard for their marriage? It wasn’t this hard for everyone. No one thought the way Annie did. Surely, this wasn’t normal at all. But what Annie was constantly forgetting was it worked for Denny. He didn’t think she was wrong, and he didn’t mind the things Annie did. He didn’t mind the crazy ways her head seemed to work. She wished that she was perfect for him. Annie didn’t want to have any problems, and she didn’t want to feel the way she did. She wanted to be flawless and perfect for Denny, because if you asked her, that’s what he deserved. Of course, she wasn’t selfless enough to let him go so he could find that in someone else, so she would just keep wishing she was like that instead. Annie was afraid he would find that though, and want it more. Whenever Annie thought that way she wanted to smash her head against a wall. He’s not going to leave, he’s not going to leave! Why did it convince her but still not satisfy her?

Hearing him cry made Annie’s heart hurt. She didn’t ever want Denny to cry, he deserved so much more. When it came to Annie, he was selfless. He could have a much easier and happier life without her, but he sacrificed it to be about her. She felt guilty for making him go through all the things he went through for her. And yet she was still jealous that he was crying and she wasn’t. Annie sighed deeply, and closed her eyes again. “Don’t…. Just don’t say that. It hurts to much to think about.” His voice hurt her, and finally Annie broke down and with her next breath there was a sob and her eyes started to water. ”I’m so sorry,” she said, wiping her eyes. ”I’m so sorry I made you cry.” It was too true. Annie didn’t want to hear him crying for her. It made her heart hurt. ”I just want you to be happy...” There was a childlike quietness in her voice, the kind of sweet honesty that made your heart hurt. She started crying more, but god dammit, it felt good. Her chest was tight from the crying but at the same time she felt kind of relieved because she didn’t feel so full anymore. She had been a mixture of full and empty; empty of feelings but full of them. Full in a sense that she thought she was going to explode but empty as in she had nothing to do, or say, or think.

Annie just didn’t want to be here anymore. She hated New York. Annie had never hated anything as much as she hated this place. Nothing could compare to her want to leave this place. She wanted to go home and kiss Denny in their bed and be able to take Leo on walks by the beach, and even do the mundane wife sort of things that she hadn’t got into the swing of before they left for New York. She wanted to make Denny dinner sometimes, even if she wasn’t very good at it because Annie wasn’t very good at a lot of things. But it would make him smile, wouldn’t it? Annie liked to see him smile, and she liked to make him smile, and she liked to kiss him when he smiled. Annie just missed kissing him in general, kissing him when everything was easy. She missed things being easy and not having deadlines (at least on weekends) where they could just lie in bed for hours and she could be so happy. Annie had never expected, when she was younger, that she could be fulfilled by something so completely simple as being awake with her eyes closed, just being pressed against him and so safe and stable in that. As bad as things had gotten, what with her never leaving the bed or even speaking for a few weeks after the last pregnancy gone wrong, she still loved being there with him. But here... things weren’t the same. She didn’t know an exact reason why they weren’t... they just weren’t. At all. And Annie didn’t like it, and she missed the way she was used to things being.

Annie wiped her palms, which were clammy at this point, on her shorts and then pulled up the bottom of her shirt to wipe her eyes. Finally, she stood up and unlocked the door. When she looked down at Denny, at his face and the way he was crying, she started crying again and she leaned down onto her knees. Annie didn’t know what to do, and she just wanted to crawl into his lap. Somehow, in her mind, the fault had switched from him to her and Annie wanted to be in his arms so badly, but she thought about what she had done and she hung her head down, still crying. Her knees were touching one of his but that was it because Annie didn’t know what to do. ”I hate it here.” she took a breath that shook audibly. ”I don’t want to be here, and I want to go home.” Her voice was scared, like how it was when she was in the hospital and begged him to take her home. Annie relied on him for everything, and that’s why it was such a scary thought that he might leave her alone, one day.

948 words - uh she's wearing something sierra kusterbeck-y with the tights and stylish boots n shit - lyrics to rest in the bed by laura marling - idk

[DENVER CARLOS HURLEY]

Denny didn’t understand why they were still here. If Denny hated this and Annie hated this, why were they staying? For the money? Fuck that; Denny could easily talk to his former manager (who he hadn’t parted ways with on bad terms) and be rehired, making mediocre pay off of a mediocre job at the book store. It would be easier for the two of them to handle, even if they could be together almost all the time here, in the studio. If they both hated New York so much, why didn’t they just go home, walk out and never look back, just go back to Cape Cod and live in almost complete solitude, as they had before? They were happier then, despite the miscarriages – Denny refused to acknowledged the second as an ‘abortion’ as the doctors had put it, considering it hadn’t been Annie’s choice. Still, the thought remained that they should just give this whole deal up, have the world hate them, just go home and let everyone forget about them in two or three years. It was probably what was best for Annie’s sanity, for Denny’s stability. He wanted to go home, sit on his roof, spread his arms out like he was about to take flight, and let the world and the wind push his troubles away. He wanted to go home and let Annie play with Leo and Beast while he went to work, let her heal her mind because that apartment felt so much better than anything here did.

If this was what they were going to be reduced to, why were they still here? Denny sighed, but that didn’t stop the crying. He wasn’t hysterical or anything, but he was crying hard enough to feel it. But still, if the two of them were just going to end up crying on the bathroom floor, then what the hell were they still doing? Why weren’t they on a plane back to Cape Cod? Why wasn’t Denny on the phone with his mother, telling her that making music wasn’t making him as happy as he’d thought he’d be? He didn’t have answers for these questions, so why was he even still in the situation where he had to ask them? Now that Annie was closer to him, without the door between them, he could see that prolonging their time in New York wasn’t going to do them any good. They could say they were taking a break for the weekend and go home, but Denny knew the instant they were back in their bed, with their dog and their cat, the beach so close they could smell the water, they would never want to go back. They’d forget about the band, about all of the people working with them and spending money – and damn, that brought up the thought that if they broke the contract, they’d be sued for all they were worth. But Denny could claim sexual harassment. There were witnesses now. Annie could claim temporary insanity, but where would that get them? It would land Annie in rehab and Denny alone, which wasn’t any better than New York.

When Annie sat down next him, Denny stayed still. He couldn’t move for a few minutes; his body hurt because he was crying, because she’d set that thought of death into his head. He wouldn’t verbally blame her for it because the biggest concern of his wasn’t who had put the thought there, but that the thought was there in the first place. With her apology, that he all but ignored, Denny just shook his head. Suddenly he was too many steps behind Annie. She said something but it didn’t catch up to him until a few minutes later. He didn’t care that she’d made him cry. He was more concerned with the physical aspect of crying, rather than what caused it, probably because he was biased and thought nothing was wrong with Annie. He wouldn’t say she was perfect, because he didn’t believe in perfection in all honesty, but he wouldn’t say anything was wrong except the frame of mind she was in because of the place they were in. But that didn’t matter anyway. What did matter now as that they needed to get out, and Denny knew that in the desperation of her words. Denny felt it with his entire body; they couldn’t stay in New York much longer. It would continue to tear apart the fabric of each other until there was nothing left, but he couldn’t let that happen.

Denny wiped his eyes, let his nose dry up, and felt his throat clear a bit before he looked at Annie. He knew his face was red and puffy, but he couldn’t care less. Annie had seen him in less than what he was wearing now; she’d seen every part of him and so this was nothing that he was scared to show her. He sighed again, slumped a bit and then moved and brought Annie as close to him as he could manage. It felt good to have her there, not like Cheyenne. She’d attacked Denny; Annie was something he wanted, not something forced upon him. He looked right at her, taking in all that he can even though his eyes were half closed. “I thought we were going to like it here.” He wasn’t saying it to make her feel guilty, but just to justify his decisions. “I thought we’d have a chance to start over, to make everything better for ourselves.” Denny paused, looked away for a minute, and when he looked back he sighed again. “But I thought wrong. Things didn’t go the way I wanted them to, the way I’d expected them to.” With one hand around her, Denny pushed some hair behind her ear, out of her face gently, just so he could see her better.

His hand dropped a bit from her ear and just stayed on her cheek. Denny realized how much he missed doing that, how much he just missed being so close to her. Annie was his wife, and he’d been spending so much time away from her recently that he felt like they were just friends again. That wasn’t good – it wasn’t healthy. He was her husband; he needed to be able to know it all the time, without a doubt. Getting out of here was the only way that he was sure that that would happen. “We can’t stay here. We need the Cape.” It was funny how dependent he sounded, considering it was Annie that he was most depended on. Actually, he could stay in New York, if only Annie had the mind to stay. He was only dependent on Annie, but because she wasn’t reacting well in New York, neither was Denny. So much of who he was now depended on Annie that, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t prevail if Annie wasn’t feeling – or seeming to feel – stable and easy and light. “I’ll talk to some people about going home. Obviously this isn’t working and…..and we need something that works.” Even the job at the book store was working; he left early in the morning and came home not too late but that left plenty of time to just spend with Annie and be her husband – and that had worked for them.

Denny pulled Annie closer so that she was leaning against him. He ran his fingers through her hair and silently wondered why no one had come to find them, but honestly he didn’t care. As long as Annie was there with him, as long as she didn’t punish him for what Cheyenne had done (because for once he wasn’t blaming himself), Denny was okay. “Hopefully we can be home before tomorrow. But we have to tell Boss, Abby, Evan, and Levi. They deserve to know, before we leave.” Suddenly, it didn’t matter what legal shit they’d get themselves into. It didn’t matter that the band hadn’t actually gone anywhere; Denny would rather be happy with Annie in small clubs with just Annie and Boss, Abby side stage with Evan until the show ended. Maybe they could even talk Levi, who was younger than Annie, even, to come back and just…..chill out. He wasn’t all right in the head, the way Annie and Denny weren’t, the way that Evan wasn’t, the way that Abby was spacey but not in the manner that Denny really minded. Maybe he really could have his cake and eat it too. He sighed for the moment, and then went on. “I love you, and I hate seeing you like this Annie. I just want you to be happy again. I want to take you home and make you happy again.” He kissed her then, feeling better than he had in a few days all of the sudden.


1479 words -- cora/annie <3 -- lyrics to dashboard confessional -- um white shirt, gray hoodie, jeans -- hi

[ANNABELLE MARIE HURLEY]

One of the most recognizable things about Annie while she was in New York was the hat. Denny’s hat, more specifically. Despite how hard things had been at the time, Annie remembered how happy she had been packing that. Despite how she was still depressed and lethargic and mourning, Annie had made something fun out of the hat. She remembered them both packing and she’d pulled it out from the closet where it had been hiding since their first date. She had smiled and poked fun at him about it and worn it, and with the way Annie did things, it had led to kissing even when she had the hat on and then she was laying on the bed and he was still kissing her and she still had the hat on. Annie had felt so happy then because her face hurt from smiling and kissing too much. Something so simple had made her forget how bad things could be, and how bad they really were in those moments. Annie had barely gotten over weeks of not eating, talking, barely moving in bed, unable to do anything with herself, but the combination of something as great as Denny - someone who loved her so much and just wanted her happy - with something so simple as a hat that had been sitting in his closet for ages could bring them together simply and make everything be forgotten. Annie loved it.

And when she had that hat around, she kept those memories. Like a little kid’s bear or something, to Annie that hat was a comfort because she thought about how easy things were, and it made her smile. She could look ridiculous with it on, but Annie had never really cared about how ridiculous she could look. It was one of the biggest contradictions with her insecurity, but there was a difference between that and feeling as if you weren’t enough; Annie was the later in every situation. But it was a small reminder of how easy things could be, how good they were when they were easy. It gave Annie this hope (and phrasing things like that made her seem very sad and stupid in a child like way) that things could be like that. She wasn’t sure on how to make them like that, though. The thing with the hat had just happened. So Annie would wait for something simple to happen that would make her smile the way that had, but it never really came because she never really knew how to make it come into existence the way she wanted it to. So eventually that diminished, but she kept on with the damn hat. It was probably a running joke to people at the label like Cheyenne.

“I thought we’d have a chance to start over, to make everything better for ourselves.” Annie sighed. The album was almost done, right? Maybe they could just release an EP and make money off that, make things better that way? Annie was shallow enough to really want money out of this; she wanted for them to get a house on the water, one of the pretty cottages that she had passed on runs. In her mind’s eye, she could see the perfect thing, two stories with a widow’s peak and powder blue paint. A small yard with room for Leo to be happy and big gardens of hydrangeas for Beast to lounge in. Annie wanted things to be easy for them. She didn’t want to have to struggle, because it seemed that’s all they had done. Now that the idea of a family was so tangible (although admittedly failed a few times) she wanted things to be easy so it wouldn’t feel like they were struggling just to tread water. But things weren’t easy like that, as evidenced by this whole experience. He pushed some hair behind her ear, and Annie closed her eyes, a few remaining tears spilling over down her cheeks. Why was everything so hard for them? What had they done wrong?

His hand fell to her cheek and Annie just looked at him. There was this moment - and maybe she was the only one out of the two of them that even noticed it - where she felt the weight of how long they hadn’t been touching. She was sick, she was tired, she was paranoid, Denny was tired, Denny was worried, Denny was trying to keep her sane. They never touched or kissed anymore, and it made Annie’s eyes water. The first time she had kissed Denny she had been so... surprised by what it was like to kiss him. She would have never imagined it like that. Annie had been through a lot of kisses and a lot of touching... but none of it seemed to effect her the way that Denny’s kisses and touches did. Even that first kiss, just one small thing compared to what had gone between them by this point, made Annie forget everything else. It was more serious than the most serious of kisses, more loving than any gesture Annie had ever seen. And she had been so hooked on it that she would kiss him at any chance she got, even if sometimes she didn’t understand what a relationship was or where they stood. She had just simply wanted to kiss him and know what it felt like and wanted to wrap that feeling up in her chest and keep it forever so that she could remember what it was like to feel loved. She never wanted to miss out on it.

For some reason, it was like Denny was inside her head and he went through what she was thinking. He pulled her closer and Annie gathered her legs under her so that she could be even closer to him. She exhaled softly, feeling good right then. The thoughts about Cheyenne and her finger down her throat were gone and there was just being close to Denny that mattered. The only thing on her mind was how she wanted to be home where being so close to him still wouldn’t have space to miss him. That hardly made sense. It was like... she was here and they were touching and talking, but she still had this feeling that she missed him. She got butterflies when she thought about being home by tomorrow. Annie hadn’t been expecting tomorrow, but there was something about Denny saying it that made it real, like he could get it for her. Her stomach did flips and she felt hyper all of the sudden like she just wanted to make that happen. She wanted to put it into action, and be home and by the beach, and she felt so excited and energized by those ideas. “I love you, and I hate seeing you like this Annie. I just want you to be happy again. I want to take you home and make you happy again.” Annie hardly had time to consider that statement, and how it surprised her a bit, before Denny was kissing her. Usually he was squeamish with the idea of kissing her after... stuff like what had gone on, but Annie pushed that away and took advantage of this, kissing him back and feeling her heart pound in her chest. She was limp against him because she was so tired and weak. Her body still hadn’t recovered from being sick, and if you through in the word that Annie had trouble thinking, it made sense that sometimes her fingers shook and she didn’t like to stand up for a long time.

But what he had said... that was the best thing Annie had ever heard besides the other things he had said about loving her and wanting to marry her. But still just... that was something beautiful for him to want to make her happy. She smiled a little when she pulled back, and traced her fingers from the middle of his forehead to his temple, along his hair line. Annie felt the need to say something, but she had no idea what she wanted to say. Simply, she kissed him lightly again again barely pulled back when she spoke. ”Thank you,” she said. Part of her felt selfish for saying something so simple when he had just said something so great and such a beautiful promise, but Annie didn’t know what else to say. She just buried her head in his neck and put all her weight on him because it felt good to her. Annie always felt good with Denny, in even the smallest way. Just a brush could calm her down a little bit. And she was so excited to get home she could feel it pumping in her body. Tomorrow! Tomorrow they could be back in their own bed, kissing by their own pillows with Leo somewhere at their feet and Beast somewhere under the bed.

1504 words - uh she's wearing something sierra kusterbeck-y with the tights and stylish boots n shit - lyrics to rest in the bed by laura marling - idk