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Post by LEVI BREYDEN COOK on May 24, 2011 21:22:23 GMT -5
one of the biggest problems levi had was that he was constantly comparing himself to everybody he met. it had been drilled into his head that almost everyone he met was better off than he was, they were closer to normal. they were the perfect examples for what he should be, and he should take note and try to act like they did. but he couldn’t. for one, they were perfect. they were everything he wished that he could be. there was so much envy that he held towards how their lives seemed so simple and easier than his was. how they went through their lives with little difficulty compared to his constant worrying and doubting along with the occasional self hate was so foreign to him. levi just wished that he could have a little glance of how that life style was, or best case scenario, he wish he could end up like that. he would be perfect and flawless. at least in the eyes of all the people who had tried to tell him he was wrong, and succeeded in convincing him of that. but that wasn’t possible for him. there was no way for him to be like all these things he compared himself to. no matter how hard he tried, there was just no possibility. his mind was the way it was. the only way to solve it would be to get rid of it and replace with a new one. and the reality was that he would no longer be himself anymore. because these images and weird habits were what made him who he was.
he had mixed emotions towards it. sometimes he wished so hard that he could just change. no matter how hard it would be, as long as it was a possibility, that would give him some hope. and he would do anything it would take to get to that point. but on the other hand he also was comfortable with who he was, and there were some people who he had grown fond of who liked him for whatever he was, no matter how messed up he was in the head. and evan, levi liked her a lot. he didn’t really understand why, because before the previous day she had basically ignored his existence, yet he was still drawn to her. and now that she knew a little more about him, she liked who he was, or at least she seemed to. and she was perfect to him. he always told himself that no one was perfect because it sometimes made the reality of his imperfections easier to take in. but really, he knew that he thought everyone else was perfect in comparison to him. but evan was a different kind of perfect, and he really didn’t understand the reasoning behind this, probably because she was so different from him. and levi couldn’t help but compare himself to her, and find the things that she did that he was supposed to do. this wasn’t healthy for his mental state at all, but levi couldn’t help himself.
in fact, nothing about evan was probably healthy for him, mentally. levi was so fragile and easily controlled. he had never been given a chance to make his own decisions because his decisions usually couldn’t be trusted. evan could take him and do whatever she wanted, and levi wouldn’t do anything to stop her. actually, he would go with it, because she was what he wanted. and levi didn’t see all the threats that there were with getting into this. she was still in the light to him, and it was obvious that nothing would be convince levi that she wasn’t as good as he forced himself to make her up to be. all levi saw was that one: evan was not like him and didn’t have the same problems and two: she accepted him for what he was and showed an interest in him, and those were his basic requirements. and those two things put together led levi to believe that she was perfect. one thing levi did understand was how much control that he would put into her hands. but along with that was something that he didn’t understand, was the power that she had to crush everything that he gave her, and mentally destroy him with only a few words or actions. levi just didn’t understand why anyone would do something like that, especially not somebody like evan. when evan was probably the first person that anyone else would expect to do something like that.
furrowing his brow, levi thought about what she had said. he never saw how it was unfair. many people didn’t really get involved with the bands they worked for, and not very many people decided it would be a good idea to get involved with levi either. levi hadn’t expected evan to pay attention to him, he just expected her to do what she was supposed to do. her talking to him, it had just been a desire. “how isn’t it fair?” then he knew the questions were coming. there was another habit levi had that he really couldn’t stand about himself: the questions. he was always asking questions about anything that he could think of. occasionally, they became a bit redundant, but he just let them come out when he thought of them. what bothered him the most was how much he knew it annoyed everyone. he looked back at her smile, and smiled back, his hand falling back to the bottom of his shirt to tug on it. he didn’t expect her to be nice to him either. he realized that he could be irritating. levi just shrugged. “i didn’t really expect that you would be nice to me.” he looked at her, another question biting at him. he just wanted to know about people who were different than him. “why aren’t you nice to people?” he asked, looking away from her again. he felt like this wasn’t the best question to ask anybody.
levi looked at evan with half of a smile. “oh…” he said, liking the idea that she had gave him. that offer was something that he was eager to reach out and take. that was something that he needed, it would be easy to have someone to trust with the reality of everything then trying to figure it out himself. “i need something like that.” he nodded. this was another one of those moments when levi really began to question himself. why was he letting her do this, there was nothing that had told him that she was someone to trust, but still, levi just felt like he could. he knew where this would go: he would become clingy so fast. it would even happen by tomorrow. levi would always be looking for her and finding anything that he could talk about. this had happened before, but people usually pushed him away. he didn’t want it to be the same way this time. being pushed away was not a fun feeling. his body flinched a little when she touched him and he just stared at her hand. people usually didn’t touch him, he always felt like he was avoided. “i’ll have to tell you then.” he said, trying to ignore the mix of emotions he had felt while she was touching him.
the emotions were crazy. he felt like he had almost been burnt, like the fire had traveled from the lighter through her skin and reached his on the contact between them. he wanted to pull away from it, and his reactions caused him too, but he also wanted more of it. levi wanted to touch her and wrap his arms around her, but he was almost afraid to. “okay, what do you want to do?” he asked, taking one step towards her when she stood up. after hearing what she said, he was almost intimidated to follow her and listening to what she told him. levi knew he would do what she said because he was never one to say no. he just wanted to gain her acceptance and friendship.
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