COOK, LEVI BREYDEN

[LEVI BREYDEN COOK]

levi breyden cook

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twenty-one. drawing blanks. drummer. andy oliver.[/center]

" when i was little, i mean, really little, like three or four, all my parents did was fight. apparently that scars kids for a long time. maybe it wasn’t so much of the fighting, but the hours of being locked in a dark room while they were fighting so that i didn’t have to see it in person. i only got to hear it. there really is no way for a kid to win when his parents are hitting each other. it’s not beneficial in anyway. well, it showed me how i don’t want to live my life, but not every kid takes it that way and they think it’s normal and they end up just like their parents. luckily, i knew it was wrong. but it still wasn’t really something that i could recover from. but there’s nothing i can do about it. it just fucked me up really bad, and if you know me well then you know how it did.

also there’s a lot of family problems too. on my mom’s side. health issues. that contributed to it as well. this type of stuff usually is genetic, so i probably would have gotten it either way. but traumatic experiences contribute to them a lot. that’s what the doctor told me, but i didn’t admit to what happened because we always kept that part of our life quiet. when we were in public, we were that normal family, besides the part that my parents were extremely young and it was obvious that i was not supposed to happen. i never got the blame though. they blamed each other and they both loved me. but the doctor tried to get me to think about my past. i told him it didn’t happen. he asked me how i could be sure that it didn’t happen. i didn’t know how i could be sure either way.

i always had a huge imagination as a kid. well, i still do, but i don’t talk about it as much. i would come home from school with this wild stories of things that obviously couldn’t have happened. my parents always listened and always thought it was normal. kids always had “imaginary friends,” and often insisted that they were real. but mine weren’t normal. but no one assumed that. my parents listened to my stories about these people and the crazy things that they did with enthusiasm. meanwhile, i thought they were real. and it lasted all my life. these stories. when i was around fifteen, people started noticing weird things that i did, especially teachers. my parents just kept saying to themselves and to me that it was still normal. i was just creative. but i was told to start recording my stories. the school counselor and nurse bought me notebooks and told me to write down everything that happened to me in the day. or everything that i thought happened to me. and that’s where it started.

and then they told me what was wrong and it changed me. i didn’t talk to people as much and i didn’t really know how to act anymore. i closed myself off from everyone because i didn’t know what to do or what was real. i just became so confused and i questioned every single thing that i did. sometimes i just wish that i didn’t know, you know? it would be so much easier. but now it’s so hard. i’ve formed so many weird habits and i’m pretty sure i scare people off. but it’s not something i can help. and i’m highly medicated. but once they find out, they don’t really want to talk to me anymore because of all the movies they’ve made about people with my problem. they think it’s always the same thing, but i assure you that i’ve never felt the urge to kill somebody. i have control over myself. i know what i do. most of the time. well not really. i can’t really assure anybody of anything anymore. i can’t even assure myself. nonetheless, i’m still medicated and it’s not as bad as it used to be but i never really feel like myself. i just feel like a empty shell and there’s nothing interesting going on in my life.

but i’m in a band now. this record company got me into it. that’s pretty interesting. i like going to new places and meeting new people and trying to hide from them what is wrong with me and hoping that they think that i’m just a little quirky and not completely messed up. but i like it a lot. i always have to ask myself if this is real, and i ask other people too because it’s something that i really think i should know. but yeah, i just try to function and not let things get to me and maybe someday i can be normal. "

abbey. about five years. seventeen.

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