Post by PAIGELS on May 13, 2011 17:10:32 GMT -5
denver carlos hurley
twenty three. drawing blanks/delirium. guitarist & composer. blake harnage.[/center]
[/size]" well....i guess it started last october-ish. i'd been annie's friend and bandmate for just over a year at that point and we were just kind of living life and being best friends. she was the only one i could rely on. annie was the only girl that really got me. she was the only one that didn't judge me, didn't look at me like i was the scum of the earth. we got along, and that was only the initial attraction. soon things started getting to the point where we would be able to hold whole conversations between each other's minds, never really saying anything but saying enough also. it was an odd relationship from the start.
see, i'd gotten into this accident when i was 17. my sister and i were at this party to blow out the beginning of the new school year, when some jock tried to get into her pants. my sister was only 15 at the time and drunk out of her mind, which meant she got scared really easily by the guy that was trying to jump her bones. well she ran down the stairs of the house we were partying in and i followed to watch her get into my car, drive down the road and run into some girl so hard that the girl fell onto her ass, then her back, and finally falling back enough for her head to smash against the ground. she wasn't severely hurt, but the fact of the matter to me was that my sister had taken my car illegally on so many levels. i figured one way or another i was gonna get in trouble with the law. so what did i do? i ripped my sister out of my car, took her place, and went to juvie for it. that was an experience of my life, let me tell you. juvie shaped me into the person annie met initially.
well once i was out, i was an outcast. my dad hated me for at least a year, my friends suddenly were scared of me, and my insurance went through the roof. my license got suspended for a year and the girl my sister hit walked away with a few fractured bones in her leg and some bleeding on the inside of her head that the doctor's managed to stop. i couldn't get a job, i couldn't get into college, i was just kind of stuck. i moved out of my parents house and, living on their money, i managed to keep a small apartment to myself. but i hardly ate. i never really slept, and when i did i only got a restless, ugly sleep. i hardly left and when i did, everyone avoided me. i stayed in the forested areas around my apartment or up in trees because for some reason i liked the sky more than i liked humanity at the time. it calmed me, and that was about the only thing that could do that, besides my mom. she came over a bunch of times to tell me to get out and buy groceries that would go bad anyway because i'd only eaten once or twice a day at that point. i wanted to die but i was never ready to do so.
well one time my mom came over and literally picked me up by my arm and forced me out of the house. i just brooded around town in my dark coat and kept to myself....until i found her. it was in some bar or something, maybe just a little shop or something i can't remember. all i knew was that she was there and she was new and she wasn't someone that would judge me - how i knew that, i couldn't tell you. so i went up to her and introduced myself, and from that point on we were friends, then best friends, and then one day about 8 or 9 months ago, i fell asleep at her apartment after subconsciously telling her that i loved her. of course i loved annie. she was different from other girls - other people in general. all of the sudden i wasn't 'that kid that ran that girl over in high school', i was 'that guy that walked up to me in a bar and a year later fell in love with me'.
so i woke up the next day and things started actually going in a direction i liked. annie told me she thought she loved me back and if that was all i was going to get at the moment, i'd take it without taking it for granted. it was only a matter of time before she could completely tell me that she loved me, that i could tell her i loved her without feeling like i was overdoing it. thanksgiving rolled around and by the end of the night well....i wasn't a virgin anymore (it was almost pathetic that i was a virgin for 22 years, but i don't even consider that ever). we were doing great. my life revolved around annie and being in love, proving to her that i wasn't going to just up and leave her. christmas came and i promised her that one day we were going to get married. i planned on keeping that promise.
well then we hit a rough patch. i don't remember what triggered it, but after chirstmas i started seeing annie less and less. she came over once and i went to her apartment once and then she stopped talking to me. i started loosing my mind. i wouldn't leave my room again, i never stepped away from my phone just in case she would call or text. i thought a few times that it was unfair that i'd promised to never leave her but she'd pretty much left me, but after thinking that i went back to wallowing and blaming myself, because at that point that was pretty much my thing. everything was my fault, no matter what. well one day after new years, annie finally texted me. i met her at the beach across town in shambles. not me; annie was the one that was breaking down now. i thought i'd gone back into the dark ages, but seeing annie like that made me realize that she was the one that needed more help. so i promised i would try to fix her. i felt like coldplay at that point, but i didn't care. all i cared about was getting better and having annie with me.
and then, a few days later if i remember correctly, annie was at my place when she ran to the bathroom and puked up anything she had taken in, whatever little that had been. there was only one explanation for that, considering annie didn't eat a lot anyway. she was pregnant. i was going to be a daddy, and annie was going to be a mommy. we were excited for the short time that lasted. but that night, that very night, i woke up because the bed was extra slippery and gross. there was red everywhere, and from that point i don't remember until i was being separated from annie at the hospital. after a perid of time that was too long for my liking, the doctor came out and brought me to annie. i didn't leave her all night until i could hear the doctors outside of her room, talking about her like she was some thing. it put me on edge. another side of me, some part of me that i'd visited with before and a part of me that i didn't have a name for, it came out and nearly attacked the doctors. the rest of the night i spent in the little uncomfortable chair because i didn't want to hurt annie.
we went home the next day and i took her on a date to try and cheer her up, but that only worked to certain level. once we were in the movie theater, everything was okay again, for the most part. we spent valetine's day together, of course, and for a little while the band fell apart. i guess i failed to mention the band in the midst of this epic, but drawing blanks was a small little cape cod band for a while. after thanksgiving, it kind of stopped happening - annie and i got too caught up in our own lives to have a band. because after that, i asked her to marry me. i knew we were ready for it, and i knew with everything i was that annie was the only girl for me. my mom gave me the ring; it was her mother's, but since my mother was her only child, my gramma had no boys to give the ring to until me. naturally annie said yes, and before i knew it i had a job at a book store and we were married. we spent most of that night near the beach, in this little space that annie had found when i wasn't home or something. she cherished the place, and once i was there i could see why.
not too long after that, annie found out she was pregnant again. at that point, the two of us felt so stable and ready for a family that we knew we could do it. i had a steady job that paid quite enough for the two of us and then some because we didn't demand a whole lot and annie was ready to start a family with me. but good things come to an end, i've realized. we went to the doctor and one of the first things he told us was that he was sorry. our baby was either going to have to be taken out or it was going to kill annie and itself at the same time. it wasn't fair for her to have heard that, but i suppose she had to have. if annie hadn't heard that bit of news about the baby we were so ready for, she likely wouldn't be with me right now, and i'd be a total wreck - or even dead. that doesn't make the situation any more fair. she wanted that baby, and in the way she avoided speech, food, interaction, everything for a week after the appointment, i could tell she was devastated. i wished i knew what i could do but i'd tried everything. i tried talking, touching, cooking, kissing - for a week, i got nothing.
i went to work in a bad mood and walked myself home every day, stopping at this one tree by a park to just sit up in the tall branches and look at the sky through the canopy of leaves. it calmed me so that i wouldn't mentally break into that second personality i'd found in front of annie. that was the last thing she needed. after that long week, she was willing to sit up and listen to me, eat some food if i brought it to her, cuddle with me because that was all i wanted. i didn't necessarily need her to speak unless she was telling me how much she loved me because anything else would just open wounds. i just wanted interaction and to know that she would be okay eventually. okay never really happened though. sure, annie got better week by week and eventually she would start talking to me again, but she still wasn't the same. i still fear that she never will be. she'll never be the annie that just loves me, regardless of other people. she'll always be ten times as possessive and then some as she had been. annie will never be exactly the same person i married. sometimes, when we're alone and she's not on the defensive, i can pretend that everything's okay and that we're back in cape cod being quiet because any little noise will wake up the baby. it's a rarity, but it happens sometimes. for now, all i can do is work and try to coax annie back into the person she was before the second baby. "
paigels. blah. seventeen. blah.